A life lost - October 30th 2012

I debated writing this blog for a multitude of reasons. It is something that I have shared with less than one handful of people. There are so many reasons NOT to share this, out of respect for her and her family, it’s scary to let people in, sometimes I place blame on myself for her death, it hurts to remember…FEAR. I want to walk through all of that fear and finally share it all, let it go, tell this chapter of my life and finally mourn my best friend’s death with no guilt. AND perhaps help other moms out there who face postpartum.

Four years ago, on this day my childhood best friend passed away of what we believe to be suicide. At the time we were somewhat estranged, working on mending our friendship, so I don't know all the details. I think this is what is the worst part about it. I hadn't gotten to see her one last time, to hear her witty humor, see her sly smile or hug her tightly never letting go. If I had only known what was going to happen maybe I would have taken her phone call, heard her voice again, insisting we get together when I was visiting home. Unfortunately, I didn't do any of that and I am left with a string of emails and texts as our last memories. I think I am just coming to a place where I am forgiving myself for that. I was so hurt by her betrayal and was just coming to a point where I was open to forgiveness.

I share this part a bit vaguely out of respect for her and her family. Long story short she had 4 kids pretty much back to back and the postpartum brought back her old demons. I tried the best I could to help her but she ended up betraying me and breaking my heart. On October 30th 2008 was the last time I ever spoke to her on the phone. My last words were me yelling and screaming at her, calling her horrible names while she cried and begged my forgiveness. Tears stream down my face as I remember and put this into words. It was exactly 4 years later that she died, on that day, that’s where the FEAR resides, that date.

2008 was when I very first started yoga - then it was to heal my broken heart. Over time I forgave her. She reached out to me via email and I responded immediately. By now I had a little girl of my own and going through postpartum myself understood her pain so much more clearly. I immediately told her I forgave her, that I loved her and wished her a happy full life. Unfortunately, her life was not turning out as well as mine. Over the next few years we texted & emailed but never actually saw each other. I would try when I was visiting home but she would always cancel last minute. I don't think she wanted me to see the state she was in.

As the anniversary of her death was approaching I found myself reading through those last emails and texts. I had hidden them very deep within files and have tucked them away neatly in my sub-conscious. Now it is all back and in front of me – having me search and grasping for those last moments and words said to each other.

The anniversary of her death the first year was hard, the second year I almost forgot, then hated myself for almost forgetting. Then each year got easier. I think of her often but this year it seems more poignant. I was with my friend Alexa and she asked me about it. I guess I never told her either. I told her about the end and how we were talking and found forgiveness. It was Alexa who changed my perspective on how I had been feeling the past four years by simply acknowledging how lucky I was to have been able find forgiveness and talk to her prior to her death. I got to let go of all that anger long before she died. Not everyone gets that opportunity. At least I know when she died she knew I loved her.

As I am reading Budda's Brain, this passage resonated with me: Negative bias of memory - the remedy is not to suppress negative experiences; when they happen, they happen. Rather it is to foster positive experiences- and in particular, take them in so they become a permanent part of you. So now I share this story, remember only the beautiful friendship we had and all our memories full of laughter. How she was always there for me. This suffering slowly is ending and I am replacing it with all the good we had.

With all the above shared, this is one of the many reasons I want to bring awareness to the very real effects of postpartum. It is one of my goals, having gone through it myself, to contribute in some way to helping this cause. This blog is my first step.

I often refer to one of my favorite quotes “Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along”- Rae Smith.

My deepest love and gratitude to those friends who knew & supported me during my darkest moments, Brian, Alexa, Sarah, Katie, Jaime, Jennifer, Renee, my sister & my mother.

What is postpartum? https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/postpartum-depression-facts/index.shtml

To get involved here is a great organization: https://postpartumhealthalliance.org/donate/

I will love and cherish you always - your laughter and wit will never be forgotten.